It occured to me the other day, as I was ashamed to raise my hands in a praise song (shallow? I felt as though I was), that I didn't really want to draw attention to myself, and I still feel that way.
Please, if you have another opinion, share it with me! I'm really sad that I can't just raise my hands in praise for fear of drawing attention to myself (I don't feel that way when other people do it, but I feel that way about myself)!
Instead, I bow my head and pray as I'm praising, or make an 'audience of one' for myself instead of showing outwardly what's going on inside. ( I DO NOT feel this way about other people! Just sayin' this is how I feel deep inside)
But then I heard it said today in a lesson by Pete Briscoe that if you worship outwardly, your spirit follows. As I've felt lately, if I worship inwardly, outward worship is a reflection...but I'm thoroughly confused now. lol
But then I thought about the things I do on a daily basis.
I don't curse, I don't smoke, I don't drink.
If I lie, I feel terrible and have to spill about the truth quickly or I'll be eaten up with regret and guilt.
If I see something not right, morally, (i.e. hiding evidence while something's going on in the background with the police and we're assumed innocent) I can't stand it, and WILL walk away...
And then I get the looks and comments of: "Goody two-shoes" and "Holier than thou" attitudes.
WHAT'S IT TO YA!?
Who said I was doing it for you?!
I'm staying morally strong for in my relationship with GOD!
I don't want to feel that guilt, that gut-twisting, heart-palpitating, uncomfortable guilt!
I kinda wanna stay away from it! And I want my relationship with God to stay clean, not rocky.
But why can't I feel as though that's what's going on with my worship? Why can' t I block out the attention I'd be getting, (which I know, if someone lifts up their hands in worhsip, I look and then turn away cause I KNOW it's between them and God! Why I think it's different, I'll never know!)
Am I being shallow? Is this just how I worship? Maybe so. This hurts to say, but am I focusing on 'them' instead of God?
What's your thoughts?
Sorry for the rant, but I'm a little peeved about it right now. No particular reason except that I'm just confued I suppose.