Thursday, May 20, 2010

What's it to ya?

It occured to me the other day, as I was ashamed to raise my hands in a praise song (shallow?  I felt as though I was), that I didn't really want to draw attention to myself, and I still feel that way. 

Please, if you have another opinion, share it with me!  I'm really sad that I can't just raise my hands in praise for fear of drawing attention to myself (I don't feel that way when other people do it, but I feel that way about myself)!

Instead, I bow my head and pray as I'm praising, or make an 'audience of one' for myself instead of showing outwardly what's going on  inside.  ( I DO NOT feel this way about other people!  Just sayin' this is how I feel deep inside) 

But then I heard it said today in a lesson by Pete Briscoe that if you worship outwardly, your spirit follows.  As I've felt lately, if I worship inwardly, outward worship is a reflection...but I'm thoroughly confused now. lol

But then I thought about the things I do on a daily basis.
I don't curse, I don't smoke, I don't drink.
If I lie, I feel terrible and have to spill about the truth quickly or I'll be eaten up with regret and guilt.
If I see something not right, morally, (i.e. hiding evidence while something's going on in the background with the police and we're assumed innocent) I can't stand it, and WILL walk away...

And then I get the looks and comments of:  "Goody two-shoes"  and "Holier than thou" attitudes.

Who said I was doing it for you?!

I'm staying morally strong for in my relationship with GOD!
I don't want to feel that guilt, that gut-twisting, heart-palpitating, uncomfortable guilt!
I kinda wanna stay away from it!  And I want my relationship with God to stay clean,  not rocky.

But why can't I feel as though that's what's going on with my worship?  Why can' t I block out the attention I'd be getting, (which I know, if someone lifts up their hands in worhsip, I look and then turn away cause I KNOW it's between them and God!  Why I think it's different, I'll never know!)
Am I being shallow?  Is this just how I worship?  Maybe so.  This hurts to say, but am I focusing on 'them' instead of God?
What's your thoughts?

Sorry for the rant, but I'm a little peeved about it right now.  No particular reason except that I'm just confued I suppose.


  1. I don't think it's wrong to feel uncomfortable raising your hands in church. I grew up in a church that made us feel guilty if we didn't show outward signs of worship. Now, I go to a very conservative Lutheran church, in which outwards showiness is discouraged. To my surprise, I discovered that they will not even clap for somebody who gives a performance (such as signing) because the focus should never be on man, but on God.

    I don't think either church is exactly right or wrong. But you should follow the holy spirit's prompting in your worship.

  2. Wow!
    Thanks, Arabella!
    That's very encouraging.