Disappointment

When we hear news that breaks our hearts, where do we turn?

Sunday night, I wanted to turn to anger.
What would that have solved?

Nothing, in fact, it would have created many more problems, like a law suit for starters.

However, now that I'm in a position of authrity, I had to seriously reconsider my feelings.

I began to realize, this person is no different than me.
I was once in their shoes.

What right do I have to judge?
I've been forgiven of each and every sin in my past, they can be too.
Especially by me who should understand more than anyone.

So I turned to love.  Not my love, but Christ's love.

How did the people I disappoint feel so many years ago when I wound up in those same shoes?
Probably the same as I do now.
But they too showed me love.

I was so at home with my church family, after feeling their love and acceptance, I was able to move on.
However, at the slightest judgement, I wanted to run.  Far and fast.

But they didn't judge me.  They loved me.

When someone disappoints us, our first reaction may be to get angry, it may be to take them by the shoulders and pin them against the wall and say, "Look at me!! Look at where I was!   DO NOT GO THERE!!!!"
But by the love and compassion we've been shown by the One who created us, we realize we are, by the grace of that Creator, not in the same shoes, and thus, the love overflows...
and in some ways, when the love overflows, the feelings of pain and hurt become worse.

We're vulnerable again.

Once we've been burned, we want to close it off, and then what happens when we open up again?
Disappointment.


But then I looked at their life.
It's falling apart.
They're grasping at whever makes sense right now.
And right now...
it's what could really hurt them.

I ache for them right now.
But I'm just a leader in their church.
I'm not the parent...and if I was, you'd bet they'd be pinned...

But I'm not.
I've still got my little boys to think about.
I've still got my family who needs me to be all I can be and not dwell on this.

So now I can only hope.

WHAT?!!!
THATS IT??!!!!

THATS ALL I GOT?!

Surely with the relationship we've had, with the authority I've got....

No.
That's it.

BULL!!!!

Sorry, Kel.  Nothing you can do.


YOU'RE WRONG!

Sorry.

I'm going to DO something.
I'm going to be on my FACE for her...and ask God what to TALK about with her...
SHE. CAN. SILL. BE. RESCUED.

I DONT BELIEVE YOU.
THIS STUPID POLICITALLY CORRECT VOICE IN MY HEAD...
I'm going to do all I can for the people I love...and she's one of them.

Q4u:
In a situation that involved someone else...did you do what you could or did you look away?

Prayer Requests

Last night at church, I sat and listened to all the requests we had from our small group of believers.
There were SO many!

We live in such a broken world!  A child of 3 has leukemia, her 6 year old sister is scared to death.  A really sweet lady is in the hospital...  The list could go on...for HOURS!  There are so many things to be praying for!

But I wonder:
As desperate as we are for God to heal and fix...what are you THANKFUL for?

Foreknowing

We all love our characters.
We wouldn't write about them if we didn't.

I love the one I'm working with now.
But I just recieved confirmation from God on how this little short speck of life will go that I'm capturing on the page.

It hurts me worse knowing what's to come.
It hurts knowing what the readers will have to feel as they read her story, cause they're going to feel exactly what I felt today as I cried, shaking my head, not wanting to do it (God will lead me).

And when they cry, so will I.

Now, stop for a moment.
Immerse yourself in your current issue right now.
God feels the same way about YOU!  God feels the same way about you!

He's been there.  He's already seen it.
He's gonna cry right along with you, just as He did with me (and does whenever I hurt).
He knows what you're going to feel.  He's felt it already in the foreknowing of what's to come.  He saw it on the screen, and He'll face it again when He sees it live ("...right by your siiiiiiiiiide..." -Mathew West).

As much as this stuff hurts, God knows exactly what you're going through.
He already knows you're suffering.  Take it to Him and lay it down at His feet so He can finally comfort you.

I kind of understand now.  I know that right now, in this moment of my life, I'm supposed to write what hurts so people can know it's real and that they can know where to go.

(excuse me while I rejoice in sorrow)

Hugs.

How about you?
Tell me what your purpose is right now, and what you feel God's leading you to do.

Get Out of Bed!

I groaned, the stupid alarm clock again...how dare it mess with my dreams?!  The sun wasn't even up yet!  Why should I be up?!
Oh yeah, cause this is the time I set up to be my devotion/writing time...*sigh* It's just not right to have to get up this early...

I'm looking in the thin spaces of time I have during the day and trying to figure out when is a better time for me to write.
I hate getting up early lately, and I just can't seem to get enough snuggles with my children, making my get-ready time a little pushed back, and sometimes, undone...eek.

So, I'm calling all my writer friends...what are your schedules?  I've heard lots of you say you just write when you can...well, that gets me three months down the road, nothing written, so I need a schedule...what do you suggest?

Here's a normal day:
5am write
6am get ready
6:30 am get kids ready
7:00am leave for school and work
6pm get kids from school
6:30 pm home
7:00pm not really sure what we do here...I'll be looking closer at this time, but if I pick up my computer, my youngest starts crawling on me and whining to be held...they need mommy time at the end of a long day, and to be honest, I need children time, too.
we're eating by 8:00ish and in bed by 9:30ish.

Not a really scheduled time at the end of work...need to work on that one.
I'm sure if I had everything scheduled after work, it would be easier to find writing time at the end of the day...what are your schedules?

Write What Hurts

Lately, I've been finding it hard to move past the simple daily tasks:
Brush teeth,
Get kids ready
Work for 10 hours
Get kids home
Softball?
Church?
Bed
Do it again the next day.

But, thank God I'm a Christian, I don't know how the other half of the population survives w/o Christ in their hearts.
I have to confess this:
One morning, I awoke to my dastardly alarm clock.  I shut if off, quite forcefully, and went back to bed.
That's not the bad part...that's the mild part.
I HEARD my Savior calling to me. I literally HEARD Him.
What happened?
I was already lost in sleep.
Yeah...ouch.
Can you imagine the special time we could have had?!


But what did He offer when I woke up alert at six, saddened by my mistake?
Joy.
Yes.  That Joy Unspeakable.
I love my Savior.  If you don't know Him, ask me, but what a JOY!
..."They will soar on wings like eagles"
I was happy to read that.
Despite the energy sapping days I have, I can STILL have joy.
Amazing.
Purely Amazing.

..."but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Isaiah 40:30-31

As a runner, I GET the not grow weary part, walk and not faint...if you're in Florida, you'd better have a gallon o' wata waiting at the end of your run!

...but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength...
I just can't get over it.
Praise God He's so...Complete.
I've got joy again.
It's hard to hang on to it...but I just keep repeating those words over and over and over again.  I CAN hope.  I have all the tools I NEED to hope.  the LORD will renew my strength.  Not just sleep, not circumstances, not excitement for things on earth...only God can do it *write* :D

Now, on to the day's post...lol.  It's not long, I promise.  We done had church, so not much more can be said! lol

Not in a million years did I think I could write so passionately again.
I love it.
However, I've been afraid of my work in progress.
Why?
Becuase it's a scary subject.
One that has been battled for years.
In a nutshell, it's about abortion, and in some smaller light, government.

How do you find the courage to write what hurts?

Note:
Check these out.  They're great posts!

http://emergingnotemergency.blogspot.com/
http://cba-ramblings.blogspot.com/2010/06/risky-gift.html
http://seekerville.blogspot.com/2010/06/courage.html

My 5 Year Old

Hey again!
I can't believe this, but my baby is graduating from Pre-K!
It won't be but a blink, and he'll graduate kindergarten, aaaaand then high school!
(:o(
So, Question:
What's made you realize that life passes by WAAAY too fast?
Share your experiences :)


Thanks for reading.

Character Emotion

A few weeks ago, I read a blog about the author getting emotiaonal over their character.

I have to say, I've felt sad at my character's situation, but not until today, my very first ever "nothing but writing" day (I'm on my lunch break lol), have I really experienced my character's emotions.

The first chapter (short backstory) made me cry like a baby!

I was so sad for my character, but thrilled to be feeling such emotion for her!
It was a strange range of emotions! 
But I was very thankful for them.
I've already conencted with my character, I hope it will continue throughout the story, and that she will connect with the readers.

What I did differently than before:
1. character worksheet. 
   -I completed an in depth evaluation sheet of the person: eye color, skills, etc.
2. I have been dwelling on this story for months in the background.
   -A friend of mine came up with the original idea, and we've been tweaking this for quite some time.

I had to share that good news!

What are some milestones you've accomplished in your writing, insignificant or significant?

What's it to ya?

It occured to me the other day, as I was ashamed to raise my hands in a praise song (shallow?  I felt as though I was), that I didn't really want to draw attention to myself, and I still feel that way. 

Please, if you have another opinion, share it with me!  I'm really sad that I can't just raise my hands in praise for fear of drawing attention to myself (I don't feel that way when other people do it, but I feel that way about myself)!

Instead, I bow my head and pray as I'm praising, or make an 'audience of one' for myself instead of showing outwardly what's going on  inside.  ( I DO NOT feel this way about other people!  Just sayin' this is how I feel deep inside) 

But then I heard it said today in a lesson by Pete Briscoe that if you worship outwardly, your spirit follows.  As I've felt lately, if I worship inwardly, outward worship is a reflection...but I'm thoroughly confused now. lol

But then I thought about the things I do on a daily basis.
I don't curse, I don't smoke, I don't drink.
If I lie, I feel terrible and have to spill about the truth quickly or I'll be eaten up with regret and guilt.
If I see something not right, morally, (i.e. hiding evidence while something's going on in the background with the police and we're assumed innocent) I can't stand it, and WILL walk away...

And then I get the looks and comments of:  "Goody two-shoes"  and "Holier than thou" attitudes.

WHAT'S IT TO YA!?
Who said I was doing it for you?!


I'm staying morally strong for in my relationship with GOD!
I don't want to feel that guilt, that gut-twisting, heart-palpitating, uncomfortable guilt!
I kinda wanna stay away from it!  And I want my relationship with God to stay clean,  not rocky.


But why can't I feel as though that's what's going on with my worship?  Why can' t I block out the attention I'd be getting, (which I know, if someone lifts up their hands in worhsip, I look and then turn away cause I KNOW it's between them and God!  Why I think it's different, I'll never know!)
Am I being shallow?  Is this just how I worship?  Maybe so.  This hurts to say, but am I focusing on 'them' instead of God?
What's your thoughts?

Sorry for the rant, but I'm a little peeved about it right now.  No particular reason except that I'm just confued I suppose.

How do you focus?

I find it extremely hard to focus on all my tasks at work without letting my characters creep back in the forefront!
The kids and the hubbs are great.  I love vegging out with them, and being with them.

But when it comes to work...it seems as though I'll be staring at the computer wondering what my charachters will do next, trying to imagine them speaking to me, I pray hard for God to show me where they should go. It's almost like I've entered a world, and when I have to think, and don't feel like doing somthing, my mind reverts back to my word-filled laptop screen, instead of the fincnace program I'm supposed to be UTILIZING at WORK where I get PAID!!!!

I feel like I'm so close to something!  I feel God pulling me toward something and if I can juuuust close my eyes and listen for just a few minutes....Wait, what am I doing again?  Where was I?  Oh right, work...here we go...
Five minutes later, it's the same thing!

I'll have to shake myself out of my thoughts and refocus on what I'm supposd to be doing! 


How do you keep the job from interfering with the JOB?
Help, help, help!
Am I just lazy?  Do I find more pleasure in writing?  OF COURSE!
But maybe I need to really focus on what's important at the time and really get into it just because I should do all things as if working for the Lord, since, ya know?  As a Christian, that's EXACTLY what I'm doing.

So how do you do it?

Stepping Out Time

It's finally that time.
I've been inspired by a dear friend of mine who is also a writer.
She has suggested I start reading these blogs by writers and literary agents. Get out of the box, so to speak. To read outside of what books are on my shelf.

Well, I took her advice that she took from those who have been teaching her, and now I'm getting myself out there.


Question for you:
When have you ever stepped out and done something like this...I'm not talking about starting a blog, I'm talking about doing what you've always wanted, started that very first step toward what you've dreamed?